Three-Eyed Monster
by Famine
Summary: A gripping tale about survival of the fittest. When Zidane, Garnet, Vivi, and Steiner discover a rare monster-type man lurking in the shadows, combined with Kuja and Nymph's evil plot, will the gang be able to stop the monster from killing them all. Ver


Just another boring day in Alexandria. "There's never anything fun to do!" Zidane sighed, kicking a can of Gyashl Pickles. "Zidane, that's the glory of today! We finally get to rest from fighting Kuja, Brahne, Garland, Chaos Guardians, and Black Waltzes. It finally gives us a break." Garnet snuggled up close to him. "I guess. Still, there's never anything FUN to do!" He whined. "Howz about we go to the bar?" Vivi asked, hiccuping. "Sir Vivi, you are too young to get drunk." Adelbert Steiner, captain of Queen Brahne's army, commanded. He snarfed down a pickle. "That's not what you said about having sex with you." Vivi giggled. Steiner choked on the pickle. "I told you not to tell!" His face rested in his hands.  
  
"Hey! Get back here, you retard!" A woman screamed. "Scoundrel! SCOUNDREL! He stole my Froo-Froo's stuffed hippo!" "P-P-Polly very sorry, ma'am!" A very odd looking man said, outrunning the old hag, who was chasing him with a broom. "You'll pay for my Froo-Froo's unhappiness! FIRE 3!" She shouted, blinding fire emitting from her hands. The man screamed out in pain.  
  
Garnet turned her head to see the event unfolding. "What's that?" She tugged at Zidane's collar. "P-P-Please, ma'am! Don't hurt me!" The man cried out. "Sweetie, I promise. This WON'T hurt!" She charged her hand up again for another blast of Fire, until a dagger slit her hands right off at the base. She screamed out. "How dare you hurt an innocent man?!" Zidane said, standing proud. Garnet, Steiner, and Vivi were standing at his side. "He stole from my store!" The old bat shouted. "No excuses! ICE 3!" Zidane waved his hands, and stabbed the nag with an ice pillar. Garnet gasped. "Zidane, did you really think it was necessary to kill her?" "No, but we have to advance the story somehow." Garnet shrugged and nodded. They walked over to the hurt man, craddling in fetal position.  
  
"Are you okay?" Zidane asked, pulling the man over from his stomach onto his back. "YIKES!" Everyone shrieked. The man got up immediatly. Steiner waved his hand across his face. "What fowl stench you have." "Thanks." The man said. "Are you hurt? That old bag really got you." "Nah, Polly okay." "That's good to hear." Zidane said. "My name's Zidane. This is Garnet, Vivi, and Steiner. What's your name?" The three-eyed man started acting googly. "Polly, but m'friends call me Doug!" "Okay, Polly." Steiner said, not liking the man already. "Steiner!" Zidane gave him a glare. He extended his hand out to shake the beast's, and he did. A sharp pain rang through Zidane's body, as he realized Doug was crushing his hand! "O-OW! Okay! That's good! You can let go now!!!" He bellowed, rubbing his broken hand across his face. "Would you like to stay with us for a while?" Garnet asked. "It seems like you have no place to go..." Stars filled the Princess' eyes. "Sure, I'd be glad to!" Doug laughed with glee. "Are you a retard?" Vivi bursted out. "Yesh, I am."  
  
Unbeknowest to them, an evil plot was lurking in Kuja's brain! "Heh-heh! I see Zidane has a new teammate." He crossed his legs, watching everything through his magic T.V. "I have a great idea how to deal with that...horned freak. Nymph!" He shouted out, his voice echoing through his lair. "Yes?" A voice said. The beautiful and deadly Nymph appeared, dressed in her exclusive bondage leather. "I have a job for you." Kuja smiled. Nymph's grin turned into a shocked-look. "Well, Kuja...my mouth is still a little sore from last time..." Her arms disappeared behind her back, and she looked down innocently. "Not that, you slut! I need you to trick someone into loving you..." Kuja giggled. Nymph joined his laughs with her own. "That'll be easy as anal!" She faded.  
  
"Who is this?" Beatrix asked, looking at the crew standing in the doorway. She looked at Doug, a disgusted look on her face. "His name is Doug." Garnet giggled. "Isn't he hot?" She whispered, nudging at Beatrix. "If you like hermaphrodites." Beatrix shrugged. "Ladies, please! There's enough Polly to go around!" Doug chuckled. "I'm gonna be sick." cried Vivi. "Anyway." Zidane interrupted. "Doug, you can stay in Queen Brahne's room. She's evil now, so it's all your's." Zidane smiled. "Thanks! But, you guys...this is all very new to me. I think I'm gonna go for a walk." Doug said, walking out the door. "Sure, Doug. Take all the time you need." "Oh, isn't he so hot?" Garnet blushed.  
  
In the park, Doug sang his little song. "Just sittin' here in the park is so fun." He said outloud to himself. Nymph peered from behind a tree. "There's the monster. Okay, this is it..." She walked up to him, shaking her little booty. "Hey, sexy." She leaned in, brushing her breasts against his chest. "Hi. My name's Doug! I'm a virgo! I like watching Teletubbies!" He giggled. "That's...uh, nice..." She rubbed against him. "I've been looking for a...BIG man...to satisfy my needs and all that." She said seductively. "Do you wanna...fill that void for me?" Doug caught the hint. "POLLY WANTS TA PACK 'ER!" He turned red with lust.  
  
Three days had passed. Zidane and company were worried, as they haven't seen Doug in those long, three days. "Where's DOUG?!" Garnet screamed. "I NEED DOUG!" She smacked her head against the table. "I heard that he's getting some, and that's why he never comes over anymore." "Eww! Who's he getting it from?!" Steiner asked. "Beatrix." "WHAT?!" Beatrix gasped. "I'd never do him! Maybe if he had two eye balls instead of three, but....eww!" Just then, Doug walked in. "Hey, Doug." Zidane said. "Long time, no see." "Yeah, I guess." "Whatcha been doing all this time?" The tailed monkey asked. "Shagging." Zidane nodded. "That's why I came here. You guys ha'been so nice to me these passed few...days, so I wanted to introduce you to my whore." Garnet gasped. "Nymphy, honey, come on out!" Nymph walked in the door. "So, you're the one that opens your legs for ol' humpback." Zidane smirked. Nymph's eyes widened and she moved to Doug's ear, whispering something. "My Nymphy doesn't like you...  
  
"Now, you DIE!" Doug was furious. He broke the table with one hit. "Agh! Vivi, use some magic!" Zidane commanded. "Aero blaster!" Vivi shouted, shooting blades of leaves into Doug. "Retarded headbutt!" Doug laughed, slamming his head into Vivi. "Climhazzard!" Beatrix shouted, stabbing him in the stomach with her sword. "Third nipple pinch!" Doug laughed, using his huge hand to pinch Beatrix's head, killing her instantly. "Sword combo!" Steiner sliced Doug with all he had, but his skin was rock-hard. "Hermaphrodite squash!" Doug slammed into him, tossing him through the wall. "Diamond Dust!" Garnet said, sending Shiva to kill Doug. Doug flicked Shiva away. "Leg hump!" He hurled onto Garnet's leg, ripping it off, and beating her over the head with it.  
  
Zidane was shocked. "He took everyone down! That's impossible!" "No, it's not. He had a little...insentive." Nymph laughed. "You! You did this to him! I'll kill you for corrupting his mind!" "I'd like to see you try, monkey man. Doug is mine to use and abuse. Now, it's time to say goodbye." "NO!" Zidane shouted, Doug walking over to him. Nymph laughed. "Doug! Remember me! I love you, Doug! I love YOU!" Zidane was about to get third nipple pinched by Doug, until he realized what he was doing. "You...love me?" Doug asked. "Yes!" Zidane frowned. "What?! Don't listen to him! Song of Enticement!" Nymph said, her vocal cords stretching beyond any human's, and screeching through Doug's ears. "SHE LOVE ME!" Doug said, putting his fingers on Zidane's head. "She's...using you!" Zidane said, finally giving up hope.   
  
"Wha...? Hoe!" Doug said, pinching off Nymph's head. "NOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed, her body turning into a skeleton. "I knew you would come back to your senses, Doug." Zidane said, putting his hand on Doug's shoulder. "Polly...love Zidane..." He sniffled, crying onto Zidane. "Nooooo! Your tears are drowning meeee!" Zidane said, dieing. "Oops. Polly did a bad thing." Doug giggled. Duke walked in. "Well, did you learn a lesson from this, Doug?" "Yes. Never play with radioactive gook, turning you into a three-eyed monster, like me!" "That's good! Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!".  
  
THE END! 


End file.
